"It Gives You Wings"

Things that move me:


1.  A detailed description of a Red Bull can was effective because I get a clear view of what I am about to read about.  It is important to go into detail about a product if you are going to explain its use in society.
2.  I liked the writers paragraph about the Red Bull's audience.  She also threw in a quote from a Red Bull website, which presents credibility
3.  The writer also described how society is constantly stressed and Red Bull provides instant gratification.  This paragraph relates to everyone, and is easy to follow and agree with.
4.  A few paragraphs integrated data from outside resources.  This shows the writer cared about her work and did research on her item.  The data was also used well and effectively in the paragraphs.
5.  The writer seems to have brought a personal touch to the essay.  The paragraphs concerning why people might need Red Bull seemed very personable and close to the writer.
6.  I enjoyed how the writer wrote a paragraph on Drank.  This drink has opposite effects of Red Bull and the writer explained how this drink does not suit our society and why it is not popular.

Things that did not move me:


1.  Many sentences seemed to be run-ons.  The sentences were wordy and the true meaning of the sentence was lost because I was to lost in the wordiness.
2.  There was too much written on the audience that Red Bull portrays itself too.  Although an important part of the essay, the writer went on aimlessly.  Two detailed paragraphs would have been seen more effective and interesting.
3.  Some of the paragraph topics were unclear.  The topic sentences did not always relate to the topic the paragraphs presented.  I was not sure the use for some of the points the writer made.
4.  The sentence and paragraph structures were not well thought out.  Most of the paragraphs were just a few sentences long.  Although good to have small paragraphs, too many and too short can lead to a paper that jumps around ideas too much.
5.  In the writers second to last paragraph, they talk about Red Bull and athletes.  The intense sugar and caffeine content are not good for sports players.  This topic was not believable to me, and therefore not effective.
6.  Some of the sentences in the essay seemed unnecessary.  There was one on how people have joined the Red Bull Facebook page.  This point could have been used well if there was supporting evidence and a strong  paragraph behind it.  But, it was a sentence at the end of a paragraph that did not relate to Facebook.